Selling yourself on a dating site
That fear of being abandoned, when it was realised, painful as it was it felt familiar.
When they weren’t leaving, I started acting up, and then I could convince myself they’d leave anyway.
Before, I acted like I had no options, not because it was what I intended but because I had limited myself to limited relationships with limited men because I didn’t I was capable of having a normal relationship.
To be fair, it’s not like I had great examples in my childhood, but that aside, I didn’t believe a normal, healthy guy who acts with love, care, trust, and respect, would want to be with – I was kinda prepared for it!
It felt like a lot and that I was working for the relationship – I was running on the spot.
It suited me to think I was unlovable – It was like giving myself license to be resigned to dating assclowns.
It felt like a slap in the face and I smarted from her words but they stuck in my head for a very long time and in the end, I came to recognise the significance and truth of her words once my pride had settled down.
I think this principle applies perfectly to dating.
In my book, It’s Not You, I rail against the dating gurus who tie us in knots of self-doubt with their narrow and often contradictory prescriptions for how to be lovable. After all, doesn’t dating require a bit of salesmanship—choosing a nice profile picture, cherry-picking your favorite books and movies (your love of War and Peace is well documented, Bridget Jones’s Diary not so much), wearing smart clothes, and emphasizing the parts of your life that are going well (your promotion at work) over those that are not (your ongoing feud with your sister)? Showing up to a date in a wrinkled t-shirt and unwashed jeans is a bad idea.
Why is the “real” you the one who falls asleep in front of the television with potato chip crumbs on her sweatshirt and curses her boss under her breath?
Too often, dating is presented as a business transaction.
We set our terms and conditions (“He’d better pay for my drink or I’m outta here”) and calculate our advantages (“I hope she realizes she’s not getting any younger, whereas I have all the time in the world”). Our pitches will vary depending on how confident we feel or how hot our date is.