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If the answer to that question is “yes”, then how about this: When deciding today whether or not to have a casual sexual relationship, do you weigh the benefits of that relationship against the costs in terms how it might affect any future, committed, relationships?In theory at least, driving up your bedfellow-count while you are single could reduce the quality of relationship you have when you eventually settle into a more serious, long-term, relationship.Ask Men recently conducted their 2013 Great Male Survey.If we presume that those survey results reflect the views of all men (which is unlikely, but this is just an example) then a woman’s number of past sexual partners would limit her market as follows: So by choosing to have, say, 33 past sexual partners a woman potentially would have eliminated 66% of men on the market for a committed relationship.Learning all the interesting, hidden things about a new partner is part of the fun of getting into a fresh relationship.And the next step, after discussing the normal hopes, fears, and family stuff, is often an inventory of your past love lives.Disclosure: How your sexual experiences felt to you. To me this is much more important than number of partners. The best disclosures happen because you trust the other person with the sensitive information you’re about to give them.You also trust that they won’t freak out, shut down, or make fun of you.
Some of the personal qualities that take us off other singles “must have” lists are things we can do nothing about (like where we were born or our ethnicity), some are things we wouldn’t change even if we could (like our political or religious views) and some are things we might be willing to change if doing so was worth the increase in the size of our market (like quitting smoking or losing weight).
When searching for partner with whom to have a serious relationship, the size of your market is restricted by the availability of people who are looking for someone just like you; you only get to choose a partner from the pool of people who wants someone who is your age / attractiveness / occupation / sexual orientation et cetra.
Just like you, everyone else has an idea of what they are looking for in a partner and, unfortunately, your market is somewhat limited because you (personally) will fail to meet the criterion set by most other single people.
Let your partner know that you are here if they want to talk about anything, without judgment, and with possible back rubs. If this pattern continues across multiple months, ask your partner what would need to change in order for disclosure to feel safe. Plus there's a bonus, as my pal always said: Listen to how they talk about their exes. What on Earth do either of you get out of disclosing this?
If you go many months with none of that fun, confessional stuff that rom coms are made of, that might influence your decision whether to stay in a relationship that isn’t growing, emotionally. But that doesn’t mean you need to speak in exact numbers. That’s how they might be talking about you at some point. My husband and I can admit when we find other people attractive.